Crossroads

It's photos like these that sometime really put things into perspective.
I haven't blogged in a while, probably because I'd pull the whole world into my own little black hole of despair - yes, I lean towards the dramatic.
Its been a rough last couple of weeks, personally and in terms of training.
On the training front, I ended up being very disappointed with my race in Prince Albert, its not the end of the world, I realise that, but you know how sometimes when things are weird, a mole hill looks pretty much like a mountain, even if they are the Swartberg and it's midnight and you're vomiting the entire contents of your stomach down the cliffside. I even managed to black out at one point when I tried to run, from weakness, from shame who knows. I managed to start running again after what seemed like an eternity in the darkness, alone with the real Ghosts of the Swartberg. Its a bit frustrating really, all I had wanted to do was say, OK that was the best I could do. Anyway, water under the bridge now - it's just one race.Right?
The thing is though, I seem to be building up a history of "strange" occurances during my races, I train hard, text book in fact, but on race day, if something will go wrong, and let's face it, when you start to do something over two hours things are bound to go wrong. I almost pulled out of the bike on IronMan SA with cramping so bad I couldn't actually turn my cranks,I started vomiting uncontrollably during the run at IronMan Brazil, I snapped an ankle during Tuffer Puffer, something I still don't think I actually got over completely, it was also one of the first times something bad happened that I could not overcome and finish. Now I get sick AND black out, which begs the question, if these were only one day events and I struggled to finish, what on Earth would make me think I am actually going to get past day two of Namibia? I've thought alot about this, it's taken a huge effort to get to the point where I could have entered, I thank QlikView for this, and I thank Rob for firstly listening to all my crap and also for all the training experiences that we've shared as well as all the amazing people I have met as a trail runner. I had made up my mind that maybe it's not worth even going, if there's a more than just a likely chance that I am not going to finish. Maybe I need to separate the race from the other stuff that's happening in my life.
I thought about how Rob and I did the big climbs, and how strong I felt and that even though THAT was how I was meant to run and couldnt, the fact remains is that is how I CAN run...its just that I don't often get a chance to prove it. To myself. And then everything just gets lost. Kind of like me.
Sorry if this is a bit "out there".